The Play From Hell
by FluffleNeCharka
Summary: Raz ventures back into Gloria's mind to talk to Becky, and the actors try to pair the two together at all costs. Pointless humor and fluff coupled together. Worth a look. [Slight RazBecky, but 99 percent RazLili]
1. Oldness, playness

Title: The Play from Hell, Take 1

Type: Pointless mutated humor with some fluff thrown in for what its worth. Not to be taken seriously, but an interesting light read.

Possible Pairing: A itty-bitty BeckyRaz (you know, Becky from Gloria's mind? Over worked, orange hair, blue skin? Yeah, her.) But mostly implied RazLili fluff.

Disclaimer: I own absolutely NOTHING!

Warnings/SPOILERS: If you haven't been in Gloria's mind, it won't make sense.

"QUIET! QUIET ON THE SET! OH MY GOD, WHERE'S STANDBY NUMBER THREE?" Becky was having a major freak out. "Oh great. Fantastic! Why the HELL do I even bother working here!"

She hadn't been expecting an answer, as the actors were all looking at the floor of the stage feeling that, once again, they'd let her down. But a voice did answer, a young man's voice she hadn't heard in nearly five years.

"Because you're a great director," Raz said, smiling at her and pushing his goggles up off his eyes. "How's it going, Becky?"

Becky smiled, a rare event for her unless Raz hit her with a confusion grenade, and ran a hand through her hair. Her smile vanished almost immeadiately however. "Well, I'm writing my own scripts now and I can't seem to get anything right! I'm useless!"

Raz was now fourteen, and tall enough to be on eye level with Becky. His goggles were still there, as the strap that held them on was stretchy, and he'd donned a larger helmet, but he was still just like she remembered him. He had relatively the same clothes as before, except larger. Sasha Nein had given Raz a dark brown trench coat that Raz wore open, and Milla had given him a bright green scarf, both of which accented him nicely, but the most noticeable thing that had changed was that he was a lot more handsome, and a little depressed looking.

Becky, Raz noticed, hadn't aged at all, being a muse or figment or something. Her orange hair was still in its weird puffs, her eyes still were bloodshot, and she still had a hand on her hip as she shouted out directions. He grinned. It was good to see her again, even if she _was_ just a muse or something. What he needed right now was a friend, preferably one who didn't know him either as "The Amazing Razputin" on the highwire or "Agent Aquato" of the Psychonauts.

"Let me see your script, Becky," he said in a friendly sort of way, standing beside her. "If you wrote it it can't be all bad."

_Maybe today won't be ALL bad,_ Becky thought. _Raz always did know how to make me get the plays right, no matter how long it took…_

"Who's that?" one of the girls in a flower suit whispered. Her name (though it was rarely used) was Flower. How original.

"That, my dear," theatrically whispered one of the guys who got stuck with a flower suit, "Is Razputin. He got rid of the evil Phantom and brought stunning new plays to the stage!"

"Wow!" Flower said, staring at Raz.

"That's not all," the guy in the dog suit whispered conspirationally. "I heard that Razputin is secretly in love with Becky, but his job with the government keeps him from seeing her too often. They're star-crossed lovers!"

"How romantic," they all sighed. And then, weirdly, they all said at the same time, "We've got to get them together!"

And so it began…

Author's Notes: This may or may not be a Becky/Raz fic, I'm not sure. I just thought it'd be fun to write this, 'cause how many other weirdos would think of this? XD Review and enjoy, my friends, for my spellcheck is working again! W00t! –Does Raz's victory dance–


	2. And the plot doesn't thicken

"Hey, Becky?" Raz said after they'd rehearsed the play she'd written three times. "Wanna go grab some coffee or something?"

She looked up from where she'd been busily organizing her papers. "Sure. There's this little coffee place a block from the theater that I always go to."

"That's why you're so high-strung?" Raz joked, which caused her to blush and behind their back, three actors shared looks of glee.

"Well, I work long shifts," she said breezily. Becky was so much calmer now that she knew her actors could do the material that she was almost relaxed. It was like an eclipse – she wasn't freaking out! "Besides, this place would fall apart without me!"

Two emerald green eyes gave her a look that suggested he believed her, even though he raised an eyebrow good-naturedly. "Maybe you should get an assistant. You may look the same as when I was a kid, but you're not getting any younger."

"Aw, thanks kid-"

"I'm not a kid!" Raz yelled, that being a touchy spot. "In two years I'll be driving!"

"You'll always be a kid to me," Becky said, showing her once-in-a-life-time-seen soft side before going into Nazi mode. "Flower girls 1 through 3, practice switching between position 1 and position Q! Dogs, quit following everyone and memorize those background movements! And will someone change that spotlight already! It's been dead for a week!"

"Oh, what shall we do?" Flower asked forlornly. "Razputin and Becky do not seem to know that they are hopelessly in love with each other!"

"Oh, the agony!" the guy flower agreed as he changed the spotlight. "Here's what we must do! We must write a play about their love, and act it out before them! Only then will they realize the depths of their true feelings!"

"How beautiful!" Bonita Soleil said in her gruff voice, appearing from backstage. "I'll help. After all, Raz got rid of that awful Phantom for me. And God only knows the last time Becky went out on a date!"

And so it began… no, wait, that was from earlier…

And so it got out of control…

"So, Becky," Raz said, trying not to be freaked out by the décor of Gloria's mind, "When did the guys in the trenchcoats move in?"

The government agents from Boyd's mind had no place to go once Boyd started attacking them. Panicking, they fled to Gloria's mind via the Collective Unconscious, because there they were not only welcome, but could thrive and send their little child-phobias to acting classes as well as enjoy classical slices of Gloria's life performed onstage. They had set up a minature town inside Gloria's mind, where they could pretend to be whatever they wanted. Paradise, if you were a phobia induced muse who only wanted to live in peace.

"Oh," Becky replied mildly, "They fled from some warzone overseas, and they settled down here. They're pretty weird, but they're harmless." She waved to a trenchcoat wearing phobia who was playing air guitar on a pair of scissors. "Hey Mr. Gardener, how's it going?"

"My life is fantastic," he replied in a monotone voice. "I have never felt so happy in all my years. Good bye, and have a day filled with niceness."

Raz smiled awkwardly and turned to her as they walked onward. "They seem okay. Becky, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah?"

"You read a lot of romance novels, right?" he asked. When Becky turned purple blushing, he took that as a yes and continued, "How can you tell if someone, say a girl, isn't in love with, say, her old boyfriend?"

"Is this about you and Lili?" Becky demanded, hand on her hip.

"How do you know about her!" Raz gasped, raising his eyebrows and folding his arms. "Let me guess, my Dad talked to you?"

"Yeah," she grinned and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, you've got a great dad. He just wants to make sure you don't kill yourself doing something dumb. That's more than most parents want for their kids. Nowadays it's all about college and scholarships and competitive sports for most parents. Besides, your dad can juggle!"

Raz just shook his head and laughed.

Author's Note: Wow. That was random. I hereby dedicate this whole fanfic to feelthemystical, who gave me this idea on accident! Hail feelthemystical! As well as my beloved reviewers, who give me life and a reason not to commit a sugar overdose. XD


	3. Could it get ANY worse?

(The Theater)

"Oh, my love," an actor dressed in a crudely made Raz costume sighed. "I long to be with you, but my top secret job with the government prevents me from telling you the nature of my feelings. Oh, my sweet Becky, I-"

"CUT!" Bonita yelled, stampeding over. "No no no, Raz has more of a down to Earth kind of speech. We'll have to rewrite this part!"

The actors and actresses dressed up for Raz's supposed secret wedding to Becky groaned. Two of them yelled, "That's the sixth time!"

Bonita waved her arms frantically. "C'mon people, this is for Becky! Think of all she's done to make our careers! And without Raz, stage lights would STILL be dropping on people's heads as the Phantom chuckled manically. The two deserve a shot at love and this theater can give it to them!"

Why is Bonita acting so strange, you may ask?

Let's just say all that time acting out the exact same plays for 60-some weeks in a row made her a little crazy.

"Okay!" the actors cheered. Being simple minded had perks sometimes – all it took to make them forget that their head was hurting, the circulation to their legs wasn't doing so good, and that their back was killing them was a quick, semi-literate speech on love.

Bonita grinned. "Becky's going to be so happy, she won't believe it!"

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"I don't believe it!" Becky shouted. "YOU cheated on LILI?"

Raz looked like he'd been shot. "Yeah. I apologized for it, and we kind of talked it out, and then we got back to together, but…" He sighed. "I never told her who I cheated on her WITH, you know?"

"Well," Becky said meditatively, sipping her coffee in the oh-so-theatrical little café they were sitting in, "Who did you cheat with?"

Raz turned green for a moment, as if the taste of his coffee no longer agreed with him, then white as he considered telling her, finally settling on blushing feverently. "Ah, well, it was just a crush anyway, and I didn't even kiss Sasha-"

"Sasha?" Becky's eyebrows knitted together. "As in, your instructor? I didn't know you were bi…"

"Yeah…" Raz rose to his feet. "Well, I'm off to go kill myself- OW!" Becky had just smacked him with her clipboard.

"Don't quote me like that!"

_I'll never understand women;_ Raz mused as he nursed his throbbing shoulder. _But they sure can punch._

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(Theater)

"Oh my God," Bonita yelled, jumping up and down. "They're here! Everybody in your positions! Dim the lights!"

Raz and Becky entered, and (to the delight of all the actors) they were holding hands. Not in an 'I-love-you' sort of way, just in the 'I-know-you-need-a-friend-mushy-Hallmark' kind of way. Of course, a true romantic can blow everything and anything out of proportion. That's why Valentine's Day gets so much publicity.

A single melodramatic spotlight shone down upon the center of the stage. Flower stood under the light, dressed in all black. "This, ladies and gentlemen, is a story of tragic love, written by the great actress Bonita Soleil!"

Before anymore could be said, Raz took a seat. Becky gave him a weird look, but joined him, interested in spite of herself to see what her mini-asylum wannabes could produce in a half hour. Of course, neither one knew what was about to unfold.

"This is the story of the beautiful and under appreciated Becky, who falls desperately in love with-"

A crude and slightly chubby chibi Becky walked out onto the stage.

"-the charming young Razputin, government agent and Psychonaut supreme."

Raz started to laugh, but then a chibi Raz walked out.

The two sat in stone silence, eyes wide, jaws hanging down like when Raz had lost his mind.

"Becky, you're so awesome," the chibi-Raz said, wrapping an arm around her. "I'll fight the Phantom for you!"

"Oh, kid," the chibi-Becky said in a corny way, "Don't say that. If I smile, I won't be able to keep my actors under control!"

"Becky, you need to lighten up!" the chibi-Raz proclaimed. "For you are so much prettier when you smile!"

And on and on it went, Raz's and Becky's jaws dropping and their eyes practically bulging out of their heads. At some point, a tub of popcorn appeared in Raz's hands. Other than to occasionally grab handfuls of popcorn and choke in disgust at the battling-the-phantom scene which involved a squirt gun, they remained absolutely stone still.

Then they came to the love scene between Raz and Sasha.

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Author's Notes: I only put Sasha in here for comedy- even I, the most hopeless romantic in the universe don't think Sasha and Raz could ever wind up so much as holding hands. Its just impossible. So don't hurt me for doing this… kay? Or Dogen and I will send the squirrels after you. And no matter what they say about me planning to take over the world with a pumpkin launching bazooka, it's a lie! THEY'RE LIARS!

Read and Review.


	4. Impossible crap, Act 1

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"Sasha, Sasha," the chibi-Raz proclaimed mightily. "You have captured my soul, my mind, and my heart."

The chibi-Sasha would've been comical under any other circumstances, with little sunglasses and everything. "Oh Razputin, I have no time for love. I am a Psychonaut. You know I believe in control over emotions."

The chibi-Raz collapsed and began to beat the floor with both hands. "Oh no, oh why? My heart is broken! How will I go on?" The chibi's head jerked up. "Oh no, Lili!"

The chibi-Lili was just scary. Certain people are not meant to be chibis, and Lili was one of them. Raz's jaw dropped just looking at the chibi-Lili. Becky froze. Before the shock could really set in, the chibi-Lili was speaking.

"Raz, how could you! I never want to see you again!" with that, the evil actress fled the scene, but now before throwing a pie at chibi-Raz, who let out a wail of agony and curled into the fetal position.

The chibi-Sasha walked over to chibi-Raz and wrapped his arms around him. In the audience, Raz's cheeks went bright red as he imagined that happening in real life. The chibi-Sasha rubbed the chibi-Raz's back and then – Raz groaned – _kissed_ him. Violin music played in the background as chibi-Sasha clearly used his tongue. Oh God, Raz thought, please let this be a horrible, horrible nightmare.

Then the two chibi-actors parted for air (thank God!) and the chibi-Sasha said in a cheesy way, "I cannot love you forever, Razputin. You must carry on with your life, because I am too old for you, as well as your superior. Go to your true love, Raz! Go and make her the happiest girl in the world."

Flower appeared, still dressed like a beatnik, and came into sight under a heart-shaped pink spotlight. "And so Raz did appear before Becky, wanting to declare his love for her no matter how unlikely the return of his feelings would be."

The scene changed to that of a – Becky did a double check – Caribbean cruise ship.

It was at that point the REAL Lili entered the theater, unnoticed, and sat down in the back to watch the play unfold.

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Author's Notes: I know it's a little short, but I'm running out of ideas, so sue me. This piece of randomness was written in precisely 18 minutes. A new record!


	5. The Conclusion of Crap

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Legal Amends: I'm sorry if the use of any political/religious group in fic offends anyone. Please understand that this was not meant to be taken seriously and was written as a pure piece of fiction. It does not represent my views on any group or other association of any kind.

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The cruise ship scene was just bizarre. A vampire attacked chibi-Becky, and chibi-Raz swooped in to save the day. Meanwhile an alien captured chibi-Becky. Chibi-Raz whooped ass on that thing to. Then El Chupacabras started to sacrifice chibi-Becky to the God of Canned Potatoes by chanting in Norwegian and roasting her over a bright blue fire. The chibi-Raz rushed them with a gang of Indians. And I mean Indians as in from India, not Native Americans, so it was a gang of turban wearing, camel riding good guys. Finally chibi-Raz managed to take chibi-Becky to the ultra-safe spot of the brim of a volcano, where a pterodactyl in a priest uniform was waiting to marry them.

"Becky," chibi-Raz yelled, "I love you from the depths of my soul to the echoing cavern of my mind. MARRY ME!"

"Oh, Razputin," chibi-Becky screamed, looking like a fangirl, "I'll follow you to the pits of hell!"

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"Becky," the real Raz whispered, "You don't believe that, right?"

"Not a chance in hell," she replied. "I like the pterodactyl suit, though."

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The marriage scene went pretty much like this:

Pterodactyl: Caw, cawcawcaw, caca, dadada, CAW?

Chibi-Raz: I do.

Pterodactyl: CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!

Chibi-Becky: I do.

The pterodactyl then switched to a human voice and started tap dancing and singing in Italian. When it stopped, chibi-Raz and chibi-Becky kissed. Apparently, that had been the 'you-can-kiss-bride' part. Of course, since chibi-Raz was in a tomato suit and chibi-Becky had a bikini on, it was a weird wedding. Then the final scene came on.

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The whole cast came out on stage, dancing to Jewish fiddle music. The music itself was absolutely fantastic. The dancing- well, for 50 people doing the hokey-pokey in succession, it wasn't that bad. It was when they began to do the chicken dance that it went downhill.

Then Flower appeared in a flourish of poofy pinkness. By pinkness, I mean a tutu-dress **_thing_** that horrified the audience. "Oh sweet, kind Becky, and gentle, brave Razputin, confess your love to each other! It is your destiny! Your FATE! Lead each other into the new land of Marriage!"

A pause. And then……

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!"

Becky fell over and started to roll on the floor, laughing. Raz himself just threw his head back and laughed his ass off. His sides hurt. The actors sat there, stunned. They had expected tears of pain and joy, maybe some kissing, and a declaration of love. Now, how they expected that to come about when they were dressed as Saudis, veggies, a pterodactyl priest, and a model of a DNA double helix, only God knows.

"I-I don't love B-Becky!" Raz laughed, then straightened up. "Look, she's cool, but she's like a mom to me, and, well, EWWW!"

"And I don't like 14 year old boys," Becky put in, leaning against a chair for support.

"Lili may hate my guts, but I still love **_her_**. Speaking of which, I should go write an apology-" Raz was cut off by Lili tackling him and kissing him.

"Oh Raz!" Lili yelled, hugging him tightly. "I knew it! I love you too!" Then she kissed him, and Raz's eyes rolled back in his head.

"Wow," he said when they parted for air. "I think my soul just grew or something."

They left Gloria's mind via smelling salts, and then held hands as they walked together.

"So," Lili said. "I just have one question."

"Yeah?"

"Did Sasha really French you?" Lili asked, raising an eyebrow. "And are you really bi?"

"Um," Raz blushed. "Sasha licked my hand and set me on fire when I told him. But I _am_ bi. Is that okay?"

Lili hugged him tight. "Of course it is. I love you, Raz."

"I love you too, Lili," Raz smiled as he hugged her back. "But, ah, don't tell anyone that Sasha licked me, okay? He's got issues."

"Your secret is safe with me," Lili grinned. "Besides, I kissed Milla!"

And that's the end of this whacky, coffee filled story that was written under the influence of pepperoni pizza.

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Author's Notes: Well, did that disturb anyone else? Because I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight knowing that I wrote this!


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